What Has Eight Legs And Is About To Hand You Your Punk Ass? An Interview With The Fugue

The Fugue are less a band and more a rare musical enigma that will leave you scratching your head, among other things. And after several evenings of correspondence with singer Joe Somar only a few things are clear to me:

First and foremost, this is a band that pukes, scrapes and flings their half-digested punk sound like a collective of no-wave Gallaghers (the comedian, not the brothers), and they definitely don’t give a flying fuck who the musical and physical blood, sweat and bile lands on.

Second, a chance meeting with The Fugue may result in head trauma. Are you in a racist band, who hasn’t paid their optical insurance or secured a Lens Crafters warranty? You might wanna steer clear of this foursome. Oh yeah, they aren’t taking any shit from Yellowcard’s fiddle player no matter how many back flips he does on Conan O’Brien either.

Nattily clad fashionistas beware, The Fugue aren’t a pleasantly theatrical quartet who panders to the faint of heart. They are dangerous, nervous, shifty-eyed, and unpredictable. They are a band who is prepared to unload a musical shit storm on your sorry ass.

Interview conducted via e-mail by Tim Anderl. Pictures provided by The Fugue.

Name: Joe Somar (vocals)
Band: The Fugue

Bettawreckonize: There is a bidding war for The Fugue. Death Row, Murder Inc., Def Jam, and Ruff House are all interested. What single gesture would ensure The Fugue signs to one lucky label's roster? Which of these labels would be most likely to make this gesture?

Joe Somar: Oh jeeez, anything but Murder Inc. Ashanti is just poisonous. And who the hell wants Ja Rule grunting over their song? Holllllla. And isn't Irv Gotti in jail for money laundering or something totally not hard like that? If yr gonna go to jail, go to jail for something sweet like carrying around a miniature platinum baseball bat and dangling Vanilla Ice off of a balcony. So yeah, cleary Tha Row.

BW: You recently lost a member to grind/new wave band Genghis Tron? Any bad blood? Can we expect to see a Genghis Tron/The Fugue Tour anytime soon?

JS: Oh yeah totally, there's bad blood out the fucking ass. Mookie if you're ready this dude. We are fucking coming for you, bro. Bring yr whole fucking crew, we don't give a fuck. You think you're gonna get away with that BULLSHIT? Fuck no, man. Not now. NOT EVER. We will take you down. Will take yr bandmates down. If I ever see you on the street, prepare to be fucking throttled dude. I am so fucking serious about this. I'd call the cops on me if I were you, Sally.

BW: The Fugue have been asked to attend a costume party and you decide to show up as another four person band. What band do you show up as? Who from said band do each member of The Fugue show up as?

JS: We'd show up as Don't Speak-era No Doubt. I'd go as Tony Canal because we're both "olive-skinned". Conrad is the drummer dude because he looks awesome in faux-fur diapers. Tia is that guitar guy because she keeps wanting to play metal but gets stuck in ska bands instead. Ben is Gwen because their names rhyme.

BW: Who would win in a fight and why: The Fugue vs. The Cinema Eye? The Fugue vs. An Albatross?

JS: No one can defeat An Albatross in a fight. It's a numbers game. Last time we played with them they had like 23 people. They're like Slipknot but... y'know, really good instead of horrible. But we'd never want to fight them anyway. They're like family to us. The Cinema Eye, however, are a whole different story. That's pretty even because it's four on four and we each have an impossibly skinny dude, a girl, and a fiery hispanic in our bands. But we'd stil take that shit easily. I mean, keytars? Get fucking real. Last time we saw a keytar it was in Paula Abdul's backing band for the Head Over Heels tour. That wasn't even the good Paula Abdul album!

BW: What member of the Fugue uses the most "product" in their hair? What member of the Fugue has the highest rent?

JS: None of us even have hair anymore. We're pretty into shaved heads and Ibanez guitars right now. 8 strings and up, if possible. As for the rent, Ben lives in a ruby castle with absolutely no roommates. So him.

BW: What is the most embarrassing day job any member of the Fugue has had?

JS: Conrad played drums in Strahl, a German Jet tribute band. He had to be the dipshit who looks like a 54 year old in a cop hat. Which is on par with me back when I sold 9/11 calenders door-to-door. Never forget.

BW: Have any of you ever held a live fish?

JS: Yeah, wriggly-ass motherfuckers.

BW: You did a release with Recommended If You Like records right? What was that release and do you listen to it a lot?

JS: We did TWO releases on RIYL. A seven inch for that song we used to play that people seemed to like called "Four Corner Races". We also did an EP called Mysterious Animals that will be released on June 7th. I don't listen to any of those because I am from NYC and am only allowed to listen to Can ressiues and stuff DFA produced.

BW: How might one exchange paper currency for The Fugue's music?

JS: RIYL has a deal with Insound. So in a month or two, you'll be able to get our shit on Insound. Otherwise come to a show or e-mail us at mysteriousanimals@gmail.com or go to RIYL's website at
www.riylrecords.com.

BW: If you had a contract with a bunch of riders, what would you ask venues/promoters to provide you with? Would you make them pick out all the blue M&Ms?

JS: I just had a long conversation with my friend Nicole about how I
imagine the word "July" as this thick syrupy clear fluid being poured on a giant heap of pancakes. It's like Crystal Pepsi or glass molasses and just truly frightening. I have different mental images for each of the 12 months, you see and most of them strike total fear in my heart. August is the Kool-Aid man busting through a brick wall. But his merry grin is replaced by an empty smile and sad eyes. So I guess I'd want Crystal Pepsi and some Kool-Aid to give it color.

BW: What happened to www.the-fugue.com? Whose job was it to pay the bill?

JS: It's the www.thefugue.com now! The hyphen quit the band because he was friends with Mookie. It's playing bass in Genghis Tron now.

BW: Do you think Star Jones did a good job on the red carpet on Oscar night?

JS: I think it would have been great if the red carpet was her huge and hungry tongue awaiting all of the world to walk down into the belly of the beast and become victims of her digestive acids. Using this as my expectation, I'd say she was a moderate success.

BW: Have you seen the Fred Durst sex tape? Would you?

JS: I have it on my iMac at work. I like the part where he sexily whispers" Touch my balls and my ass" to the girl he was fucking. The tape was weak because I couldn't really see his rad tat of Elvis riding on Kurt Cobain. Also the girl was a pure flattie. Like Cam'Ron once said, "I like a chick wit big breasts on her chest/ Not flat lookin like somebody stepped on her chest." Get real, Fred!

BW: What are The Fugue's upcoming tour plans? Any horror stories from your past outings?

JS: We are gonna tour for Mysterious Animals. We're from NYC so I'm sure The Rapture will take us out or something. We'll wait for that too happen so we can be on the cover of Time Out New York.

We have a few horror stories from the road. Some noteables:

- Playing in a basement in Pittsburgh, PA with a vaguely white
supremacist band called El Grosso who redefinied "pathetic" hundreds of times throughout the course of their HOUR-LONG set. I broke the bassist's glasses during our set. That was the best part of the night. It was also my 22nd birthday.

- Recently released ex-cons in Charlotte, NC demanding paid jobs as roadies because "all you white boys are rich". Pointing out that I" put the 'poor' in 'Puerto Rican'" was probably some of the most
underappreciated wordplay in the history of man.

- Getting beat up by Yellowcard at Dude Fest in Paramus, NJ was also pretty rough because the cum-dumpster with the violin overcompensates for his sad existence by hitting the gym super-hard. He gets super aggro and his boyfriend (who sells their t-shirts) cries a lot because he gets hit and stuff. It sucks.

BW: A friend of mine is going to see KC and the Sunshine band this weekend. Tickets were $50 bucks. Is there a band you'd play $50 bucks to see?

JS: I am a punk! I would only pay $50 to see Fugazi 10 times!

BW: You are asked to choose between opening for the following bands, who do you go on the road with:

BW: Suicide or Gang of Four?

JS: Suicide.

BW: Joy Division or New Order?

JS: Grauzone.

BW: Drive Like Jehu or Refused?

JS: Drive Like Jehu.

BW: Johnny Cash or Patsy Cline?

JS: Patsy Cline.

BW: Stevie Wonder or Aaron Neville?

JS: Aaron Neville because he has those great tattoos that glisten with sweet, sweet Cocoa Butter and can see me and my nimble dance moves.

BW: Prince or Jamiroqui?

JS: PRIIIIINCE. oh my god, Jamiroqui makes me think of Scissor Sisters and I get really angry.

BW: The Muppets or The Fraggles?

JS: The Muppets, Gonzo is my total life hero. We would get so fucked up on shrooms and ruin the entire tour.