The 2003 Greater Akron Area Bar Tour (aka. In Search of a Bar That Doesn't Suck) -- First Installment
By Kara Kramer

*Episode I*

So after five months of an endless cycle of Thursday's, Annabelle's, Manny's and BW3, I was ready to scope out some new bars. The bouncer at Thursday's had pissed me off due to some shenanigans surrounding bar admission for an obviously overage friend who had lost his license and the owner had begun giving me evil glares every time I walked in because of two unfortunate incidents in two weeks in which I left my tab open. The last time a friend and I had ventured to Annabelle's we were surrounded by creepy middle -aged men, two of whom accosted my friend D and told her just how cute she looked with chopsticks in her hair. Interspersed among the elders were a flock of SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) and/or LARP (Live Action Role-Playing) types, many of whom were in chain mail and one of whom was in full green face paint with elf ears. Manny's and BW3's had always tended to draw large crowds of uber-whitecap folks, making both venues utterly unappealing. So, one Thursday night, D, who'd also grown tired of the lackluster charms of our usual hangouts, and I decided to venture forth in hopes of finding a new place in which to clash with society -- a mythical land of bartenders who know how to pour, music that doesn't make one cringe and eye candy galore -- a bar that doesn't suck...

The plan was simple. Compile a list of all bars in the Greater Akron Area and, one by one, in a series of Thursday nights, visit them all and put them to the test.…

*Bar #1*: Arnie's - D had heard good things about Arnie's, a place "all the kids are always talking about." So, with high hopes of a trendy locale with an upbeat personality, we Smartpaged and Mapquested, found the approximate location and set off. Upon entering, we were accosted by the usual sports bar atmosphere minus about 80 percent of the typical energy. We did meet three of D's friends (acquaintances of mine) and shot the shit for a while. I also tried my first and last ever Michelob Ultra (I don't care if it's low carb, it tastes like watered down cheap beer. I'll take my usual beer so dark you can't see light through it and, if each contains more carbs. than a meal of fettucini alfredo, garlic bread and tiramisu, I'll just suck it up). A drink later, D and I looked at each other and simultaneously decided to bail. We needed a place with more energy or, as D put, "to kick it up a few notches."
Rating: 1 out of 5 g&t's

*Bar #2*: Brubaker's Downtown - After abortive attempts to get D to brave the utter insanity and dirtiness that is one of the gay clubs in Highland Square, we moved along downtown with a plan to pick a place at random and try our luck. We tried the Lime Spider, which we'd both had good experiences with before, but as there was a band playing that we'd never heard of and weren't interested in seeing and therefore, a cover we didn't want to pay, we stepped back out onto the mean streets of Akron. On a whim, after a bit of parking mastery on my park, we settled on Brubaker's. (On a sidenote, there are at least three Brubaker's in the area: one downtown, one in Cuyahoga Falls and one in the Valley, across the parking lot from my apartment complex. The Falls location,
which I had visited with sales reps/customers in January, is generally packed with enough barely-21's to make me feel wicked old at the ripe old age of 24. The Valley location suffered extensive damage in a fire in August and is not yet open. We had high hopes for downtown.) As we entered the bar, the air suddenly thickened with the unfortunate effects of cologne and hair styling product abuse. Scanning the room, we noted that the male to female ratio was about twenty to one, that 90 percent of the patrons use my of the aforementioned styling products in a day than D and I collectively use in a month and that 99 percent of the patrons appeared distinctly to be chaches. Still, we pressed on, ordering my usual gin and tonic and D's nondescript beer. The room was quite crowded in most spots but we finally scored two barstools next to the video crack machine, which made every attempt to distract us from our conversation with its incessant bright lights and moving pictures. After five minutes or so, I noted that the very girl next door-looking bartender was a girl I had danced with in my hometown's pre-professional dance company eight-odd years before. It took her twenty minutes to realize she knew me (to her credit, I'm shocked she recognized me at all, given the forty pounds or so that eight years of regularly eating does to one). That, a very dull moment, was to be the most exciting of our Brubaker's experience. Shortly thereafter, we left, vowing that next week, next week we would find a bar that doesn't suck.…
Rating: 0 out of 5 g&t's

Score: BUZZKILL, God of Crappy Bars - 2
GABTC (Greater Akron Bar Tour Crew) - 0

**Episode II*

Week #2 of the 2003 GABT rolled around and we had high hopes for a more successful evening of foiling BUZZKILL's plans.…Unfortunately, our time was limited, as another friend had decreed this night an Official Girls' Night Out at Thursday's. With that in mind, we knew we had to step up our efforts a notch.…

*Bar #3*: Vibe - Within the past month, yet another bar had opened within stumbling distance of my apartment complex. Although it came lowly recommended by that champion of Captain Weekend, Martini Mike D, we knew we had to give it a shot (pun intended). After all, how bad can a bar that advertises itself with a plastic sign reading "NITECLUB" at the entrance to the bar/restaurant/apartment complex be? (Of course, I'm
still holding out for the bar with a neon "Discotheque" sign...) In the best of moods and with entirely too much energy, D and I set off for Vibe, dragging Martini out of his apartment on the way. Vibe can almost be described as a sub-bar, as entering requires wandering through the maze of rooms that is the Firehouse, another bar. I realized when we finally entered that I had, in fact, been there before, but since it was the celebratory evening on which I received my first out-of-state law school admission, the details were more than hazy. Vibe's ambiance is similar to that of the bars seen in your stereotypical mob flick, albeit slightly marred by the plastic Budweiser beach balls suspended from the ceiling. The two rooms have chandeliers, fairly comfortable tables and stools and little roped off alcoves around the perimeter containing leather couches and bookcases (the lighting may be entirely too dim for instense reading, but it's not a bad touch). Unfortunately, this mafioso aura is marred by the dance floor in the middle with its vanilla lights and out of place smoke machine. The music ain't half bad, especially if you like cheezy, mainstream classics such as "Back That Ass Up," which they played at lest three times in the few hours we were there. I was won over when they played one of my favorites, "Work It." The music was therefore approved, but the DJ's skills left much to be desired. He had a disjointed way of moving from song to song, sometimes even stopping midway through to put something else on. Martini pointed out that he has software on his computer that could do a better job. Beyond the music, the drinks were okay, but I assume pricey (blessed be the friend who picks up the tab) and not nearly stiff enough. The clientele was mostly straight out of Yuppieville Central, which can likely be explained by the priceyness, but we did spy some eye candy, D a cute little indie-looking fellow with glasses, me a beautiful black man who smiled at me just as we left, Martini several little high-maintenance, low skin-covering ladies. D also ran into a friend of hers, whom she pulled in with the legendary Diana Tractor Beam. All in all, not a bad little place, where we would have been content to finish the evening if it weren't for our prior commitment...
Rating: 3 out of 5 g&t's (damn those ducats...)

*Bar #0*: Thursday's - Off we went to join up with the ladies at Thursday's, where utter chaos ensued. For the first time in months, D, Martini, Stav, Bill, Katie, Christine and I were all in the same place, which was a joy in and of itself. Barb, the owner, poured the usual strong drinks. The usual somber-looking men littered the bar; the usual girls grinding on girls covered the dance floor; the usual bizaare assortment of crappy/not crappy music issued forth from the speakers. Those of us not driving quickly engaged in downing 'em fast in order to deal with the fact that we had once again been sucked into Thursday's. Perhaps this was unwise, as, although I remembered to close my tab and vaguely recall running into the Hottie McHotterson on whom I have an Akron-sized crush, I lost the remainder of the night and Martini came through with some "fuzzy bunny" moments. Apparently, my vulgarity was in full effect on the ride home, apparently I had an unfortunate run in with immobile objects (as a bump on the noggin and a jogged elbow informed me the next day), apparently I drunk-dialed and spouted honesty that really ought to be repressed and apparently I neglected to set my alarm clock (which resulted in my going to work the next day a half hour late, unshowered, in the clothes I went out in the night before and still half-drunk). All in all, a typical Thursday's evening.

Rating: Unrated.…the point of this tour is to get away from Thursday's

Score: BUZZKILL - 1.25
GABTC - 0.75

Total Score: BUZZKILL - 3.25
GABTC - 0.75